YEREVAN, SEPTEMBER 29, ARMENPRESS. The Armenian Genocide committed by the Ottoman Empire destroyed the lives and destinies of millions of people. Thousands of Armenians were forced to spread all over the world, while others were forced to go on with their lives already in the Republic of Turkey – by hiding their origin and identity. On this path, they also tried to distance their own generations from the painful past and its heavy burden, by hiding from them the truth on their roots, origin and identity.

Some of the representatives of these generations didn’t figure out that they are the generations of Armenians, rather Turks or Kurds, those Armenians who were somehow able to stay alive during the years of the Armenian Genocide. There were people however, who after nearly a century began digging in their own past to understand where they come from and discover their true identity.

23 year old Dilara Atesh is one of them, this is her first visit to Armenia- and our meeting with her took place in the Tsitsernakaberd Armenian Genocide Memorial Complex in Yerevan. In the first years of her conscious life the girl from Dersim couldn’t even imagine that she has Armenian roots.

Many features of her family household life indicated that they differ from others around, she said.

“In school, where we were being educated under the Sunni-Kemalist system, I was having problems with identity. I was noticing that the households of the other students’ families differed from ours. Already from these years I started asking myself – why are we different?”, Dilara told ARMENPRESS in the Yerevan Memorial.

She says her first discovery happened in high school. “I was 15-16 years old, I was living in Istanbul with my mother. My relatives came to visit us from Bursa, including my great grandmother from my mother’s side Fintoz and my uncles. An ordinary conversation led to our roots. One of my uncles said that we are actually Armenians, and that my great-grandmother had told him. This was news for me, and I began thinking about it. Afterwards I began researching who I am”, she said.

With a bit surprise she mentions that although there were always many mosques in their neighborhood, she has always been drawn to churches since childhood. “There was an old Greek church near our house, one day I went there. I felt something strange, it was some kind of another feeling. Since then, I began wearing a cross. Although I’m not baptized yet, but I am wearing one since those days. I was wearing it at school also, which caused my schoolmates to call me names, such as atheist, gavur [Turkish derogatory term meaning faithless]……..When I told them that I am Armenian they began to defame me”, Dilara said.

It was during these years that Dilara clearly decided to study and learn Armenian. “I began learning the alphabet with the help of a friend. For almost one and a half week I tried to learn the letters for day and night. I succeeded”, Dilara recalls with joy on her face, mentioning that if you are doing something with love, then you will definitely succeed.

Today, Dilara is a 2nd year student at the faculty of Armenian language and literature of the Erciyes University in Kayseri, Turkey. She had to miss the first classes of the new academic year because of her visit to Armenia, however she says she has no regrets, mentioning that she has learnt a lot more here.

After enrolling in the university she began to look into her lecturer staff, and found out that she has three Azerbaijani lecturers. “There are many soldiers in the faculty where I study, they are studying Armenian. Of course, studying the language isn’t their main goal – there is a law in Turkey whereby graduate soldiers are paid more. Many of them study simply for the diploma, while others seek to join the ranks of the national intelligence service”, she said.

Dilara’s interests for Armenia have already managed to get her into trouble in the university – the rector’s office carried out a special investigation into her activities and possible association with the PKK. Nevertheless, this didn’t hold her back from visiting Armenia.

Speaking on her visit, Dilara stressed that the most emotional moment for her was in Khor Virap – when she say Mount Ararat for the first time. “When I saw Ararat on the way to Khor Virap I didn’t understand what happened to me and tears began pouring down my eyes. When I came out of the church and wanted to take a picture, I began to cry, it was the first time that I saw Ararat from such a close distance. The people around me approached me and began calming me down, of course it lasted for around 1 and a half hours.

You see, my one foot was on the Turkish border, while the other on the Armenian. I read a book once, Hrachya Kochar’s Karot [trnsl. Homesickness/Longing]. I had the Turkish translation of that book in my Dersim home. I was very impressed and moved by Arakel’s character. He was looking at Ararat from the Soviet Armenia’s border and reminiscing about his home: at that moment, he was on my mind all the time”, Dilara says wiping tears from her eyes.

We entered the Armenian Genocide Museum: Dilara immediately approached the picture of Aurora Mardiganian. She says many people liken her to Aurora, and she herself sees similarities. She mentions what an incredible story this girl has, after seeing and surviving so many things, she settles in the USA and makes a film…..

The conversation reached to the present-day Turkey. “A single complete state doesn’t exist in Turkey today – there are different peoples, different ideas, different faiths. And no one likes one another – they call the Circassians thieves, they call the Greeks liars, and Armenians – traitors. They themselves create enemies. The system is like this, they are implementing an assimilation policy”, she said.

She was upset to mention that the time has come to depart from Armenia.

“Initially I told myself – I’ll come here and see for one time, it will be enough, but now I am thinking about returning here every year. I hope that I will come here again for a longer time. In addition, I am thinking about continuing my post-graduate studies here after graduating the university. I hope my desire will become reality with time.

I feel calm here, but the fact of leaving saddens me. To some extent I am from there, although my people are from here. Let’s put it this way, I will go to the other side of Khor Virap”, Dilara said.

Before leaving the Armenian Genocide Museum she stopped at the guestbook. After signing it for a long time, she concluded her thoughts in Armenian – “Armenia means homesickness to me”.

Interview by Araks Kasyan

Photos by Tatev Duryan